I Think I Did
You ever have déjà vu?
You know…
That feeling that something happening right now has happened before?
I think I had it tonight.
I think.
I’m not sure.
And that’s where my problem begins.
Because if I had déjà vu, shouldn’t I KNOW that I had déjà vu?
I mean, isn’t remembering the whole point?
Something happens.
You think, Wait a minute… I’ve been here before.
Except…
What if you can’t remember being there before?
Then what?
Did you still have déjà vu?
Or did you just have a weird feeling?
I started thinking about this tonight because my days are pretty repetitive.
I get up.
I do stuff.
I forget what I did.
I go to bed.
Pretty standard.
So something could have happened yesterday that happened again today, and I wouldn’t necessarily know it.
Maybe I did the exact same thing yesterday.
Maybe I said the exact same thing.
Maybe I stood in the exact same spot.
Maybe I had the exact same thought.
And maybe tonight, when it happened again, my brain said:
Hey… we’ve done this before.
But what if my brain is wrong?
Or worse…
What if my brain is right, but I just don’t remember?
Now I’ve got a problem.
Because if I don’t remember the original event, I can’t prove I had déjà vu.
But if I DID remember the original event, then I wouldn’t be questioning whether I had déjà vu.
I’d just know.
So maybe the very fact that I’m questioning it means I didn’t have déjà vu.
Unless…
I had déjà vu and then forgot that I had it.
Which would mean I could have déjà vu…
forget about having déjà vu…
and then later wonder if I had déjà vu.
At this point, I realized I was way too far into this.
But I kept going.
Because what if I had this exact thought before?
What if a month ago, I was lying in bed thinking about déjà vu?
Maybe I wondered the exact same thing.
Maybe I got to the exact same conclusion.
Maybe I even thought:
What if I’m having déjà vu about having déjà vu?
But I don’t remember doing that.
So tonight, I’m thinking about it again.
Which means one of two things has happened.
Either I’ve never thought about this before…
or I’ve had this exact thought before and forgot it.
But if I’ve had this thought before and forgot it, then tonight’s thought could actually be déjà vu.
Except I don’t remember the first thought.
So maybe it isn’t déjà vu.
Unless the déjà vu is the feeling that I’ve had the thought before.
Which means I don’t have to remember the original thought.
I just have to have the feeling that I’ve had it.
But then…
What if that feeling is actually a memory of having the feeling?
And what if THAT happened before?
Now I’m not having déjà vu.
I’m having déjà vu about having déjà vu.
Or maybe I’m remembering having déjà vu about having déjà vu.
And if that’s the case…
I’ve completely lost track of what I’m remembering.
Which brings me back to the beginning.
I think I had déjà vu tonight.
But I don’t remember.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn’t.
Maybe I’ve had this exact conversation with myself before.
Maybe I’m having it right now.
And maybe…
just maybe…
the déjà vu isn’t what happened tonight.
Maybe the déjà vu is me thinking I’ve had this conversation before.
And if I’ve already thought THAT before…
then technically…
I’m having déjà vu about thinking I had déjà vu.
I think.
I’m not sure.
And now I’m going to bed.
Assuming I’ve done that before.
Which I’m pretty sure I have.
I just don’t remember.
And THAT is why I can’t sleep.
Could YOU sleep with all this going on?
