And they are doing it wrong.
WRONG – WRONG – WRONG!!!
Disclaimer – I pride myself on rarely using curse words. Even in my very (VERY) vulgar poems that I have written for friends and family, I don’t actually curse. I may reference a curse word, and you know exactly what word is coming in the rhyme, but I never write it.
But this post is different.
Because sometimes only certain words will do.
And this is all about names.
Let’s start with Smuckers.
They got it right.
Their slogan literally says it: “With a name like Smuckers, it’s gotta be good.”
And they’re right.
Smuckers sounds like a company that makes good jelly. It has warmth. It has tradition. It makes you think of breakfast with your grandparents.
But what if they called it what it actually is?
“Runny Fruit Smear.”
Would you buy it?
Because technically… isn’t that exactly what jelly is?
But nobody wants “Runny Fruit Smear” on their toast.
It’s all in the name.
Side Note – Sloppy Joes are the exception. Nobody would eat a sandwich called “Neat and Organized Joes.”
Which brings me to hurricanes.
Whoever names hurricanes needs to rethink their strategy.
We need names that create urgency.
Because when I hear “Hurricane Melissa” or “Hurricane Idalia,” I don’t picture destruction.
I picture someone who sells candles at a craft fair.
A hurricane needs a name that makes people stop what they’re doing.
Imagine two guys sitting outside a jazz club in New Orleans drinking coffee and talking about an incoming storm.
Guy 1: “You hear about the storm coming?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. What’s it called?”
Guy 1: “Hurricane Katrina.”
Guy 2: “Katrina? I knew a Katrina. She was a little crazy, but nothing to worry about.”
Guy 1: “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
See the problem?
The name didn’t scare anyone.
Now imagine the same conversation.
Guy 1: “You hear about the storm coming?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. What’s it called?”
Guy 1: “Not sure… checking the paper… oh no.”
Guy 2: “What?”
Guy 1: “They named it Hurricane OH FUCK NO.”
Guy 2: “Get the car. We’re leaving.”
See?
That name got their attention.
Side Note – We also need to discuss the panic buying during storms.
Every hurricane, people empty the shelves of bread, milk, and toilet paper.
I understand the water.
I understand batteries.
But why do we need enough toilet paper to survive the apocalypse?
Are we expecting the hurricane to knock out power, destroy our homes, and somehow give everyone diarrhea?
And why bread and milk?
Are we planning to sit in the dark during a hurricane and make French toast?
Side Note – In Milton, Delaware, I already know what the real emergency item is: Food Lion White Grape Sparkling Water.
You laugh.
But you know I’m right.
A few years ago, we had a storm coming that had everyone worried. Shelves were empty. People were preparing for the end of civilization.
Then the storm fizzled out and moved away.
That hurricane should have been called:
Hurricane Kitten Whiskers.
Nobody is running to buy 14 gallons of milk because of Hurricane Kitten Whiskers.
But imagine this:
A family is sitting around the breakfast table. Dad is scrolling through his phone.
Suddenly he jumps up.
“Everyone grab a bag! We have to go!”
The wife looks confused.
“What happened?”
Dad turns the phone around.
“It’s Hurricane Hammer To The Nut Sack.”
The wife immediately stands up.
“KIDS! FIND YOUR SHOES!”
See?
The name matters.
The World Meteorological Organization needs to understand they control the narrative.
Light storms should have names like:
- Hurricane Pillow Fight
- Hurricane Stiff Breeze
- Hurricane Bike Fell Over
- Hurricane Belly Tickle
Medium storms:
- Hurricane Wedgie
- Hurricane Stubbed Toe
- Hurricane Migraine
But the big ones?
The ones that require action?
Those need names like:
- Hurricane Atomic Nuclear Wedgie
- Hurricane Prostate Exam
- Hurricane Jack-Hammer To Your Ass
- Hurricane Everybody Get In The Damn Car
Now THAT gets attention.
Enough naming hurricanes after people.
I don’t care if your Aunt Linda is a nice woman.
If Aunt Linda is coming at me with 150 mph winds, I need to know.
I need a warning.
I need fear.
I need a name that makes me grab my family, my dog, and my emergency supply of White Grape Sparkling Water.
It’s all in the name.
And I am officially volunteering to be the head of the hurricane naming committee.
You’re welcome, I’m here to serve.
My Take on Life and Events 