Yes.
You read that correctly.
I am officially hiring.
Try to stay calm.
Do you have what it takes?
Probably not—but let’s explore anyway.
Are you stuck in a dead-end job where your biggest accomplishment this week was successfully muting a Zoom call?
Do you wake up every morning thinking, “There has to be more than this”… and then immediately hit snooze four times?
Do you have energy, enthusiasm, and absolutely nowhere appropriate to use it?
Do you want to travel… and by travel, I mean aggressively explore the cultural hotbeds of Sussex and Kent County, Delaware?
If you answered “yes” to any of those…
—or if you just shouted “OH HELL YES” loud enough to concern a family member—
Congratulations.
You might be wildly unqualified enough for this opportunity.
Position: Hype Man
Start Date: Immediately (like… why are you still sitting down?)
Here’s the deal.
Sometimes I get tired.
Sometimes I get worn out.
And sometimes I stare at a project and think, “You know what… maybe this wall can just stay ugly forever.”
That’s where you come in.
Sure, I could grab a cup of coffee.
But let’s be honest…
If I’m near WaWa, I’m getting an acceptable cup of coffee.
If I’m near RoFo… I’m reconsidering all my life decisions.
Food? Also unreliable.
Motivation? Even worse.
What I need is energy.
Intensity.
A completely unnecessary level of verbal aggression.
I need someone channeling my old coach, Coach Bob Cannon, who didn’t “encourage” so much as verbally launch me into action.
And by “encourage,” I mean things like:
“DON’T BE SOFT—MOVE!”
“YOU CALL THAT EFFORT?!”
“RUN LIKE YOU OWE ME MONEY!”
That kind of love.
Compensation Package (Hold Onto Your Seat)
- Hours: Questionable
- Stability: None
- Pay: Impressively bad
Like… shockingly bad.
Possibly zero.
But ask yourself this:
Do you really need money?
Or have you just been conditioned by society to enjoy food, shelter, and basic comfort?
Exactly.
This job offers something far more valuable:
Delusionally high levels of personal growth.
Perks Include:
- Traveling the scenic wonders of Sussex and Kent County
- Front-row access to questionable DIY decisions
- The opportunity to yell things like:
- “YOU GOT THIS!” (while I push a cart through Lowe’s)
- “MAKE THAT WALL YOUR BITCH!” (mid-ladder, mid-paint)
- “DON’T YOU DARE QUIT ON ME NOW!” (while hauling flooring and questioning everything)
No two days are the same.
Mostly because no plan is ever fully thought through.
Experience Required?
Absolutely not.
In fact, experience might hurt your chances.
I’m looking for raw, unfiltered enthusiasm.
The kind of energy that makes strangers slowly back away.
So if you’re ready to leave behind a stable income, predictable hours, and basic dignity…
Apply today.
Or don’t.
But just know… somewhere out there…
…someone else is already yelling at me in a Lowe’s parking lot.
And that could’ve been you.
My Take on Life and Events 