That’s the only word that comes to mind.

It started easy enough.

AGONY !!!

A sharp piercing pain.

Isolated.  It’s only in one specific spot – I got this.

Uh oh …..

It’s beginning to spread into my upper extremities

I have my first moment of doubt.

Pain starting to spread – It’s now hard to move my fingers, hard to make a first.

NO – this is nothing I tell myself.  I still got this.

This can not defeat me.  I have things to do today – this can’t happen today.

I got this.

Wait.

What the Hell is that?

Is that…….

Is that blood ?

What?

I rethink things.

Panic begins to set in.

Do I try to clean up the blood, or do I try to stop the blood?

How ?

How do I stop this gushing of blood ?

I’m a man.

Blood doesn’t make me squeamish.

But this.

This is MY blood.

I’m tough.

It’s a little blood.

What’s the big deal?

I’m not worried I lie to myself.

I got this.

More blood.

Okay – this is getting more serious.

What once was one, maybe two drops of blood appears to be gushing now.

Jim.  Relax.  The more anxious you get – the more your hear beats and the more blood will gush from my wound.

Maybe I should sit down. 

Relax.

Concentrate on my breathing.

I sit and try to control my breathing.

Tiredness begins to overtake me.

I close my eyes.

I just need a minute.

I begin to relax.

Maybe a bit too much.

My eyes close and I feel a wave overtaking me.

What once was pain, is now just the acceptance.

I’ll embrace the pain.

The wave crashing over me, somehow soothing me.

It’s comforting.

Comforting knowing the pain might subside.

In the darkness of my mind I see a light.

In the distance, a small light.

More of a dot.

But still, a light.

It’s hard to focus on the dot of light.

Is it getting bigger?

Is it getting closer?

OH NO.

The realization sets in.

NO !!!

Is this how it ends?

I’m still a young man.

I still have things to do.

No, it can’t end this way.

OH NO !!!

The light gets bigger.

It’s on me now.

I see my wife and children.

I hear them calling to me.

I feel the end is coming.

But somehow, I’m not afraid.

I feel at peace.

Grandma?

Is that you?

NO !!!

It will now end this way.

I WILL NOT END THIS WAY.

I will myself to open my eyes.

Eyes open I feel a rush of adrenaline.

Pain is cast aside.

I must keep moving.

I force myself to move.

Slowly at first, I grip the table and force myself to stand.

I wobble.

Did I push myself too far.

Perhaps I’m done for.

NO !!!

This will not be the end of Jim.

I’m tough.

I’m strong.

It’s only pain.

But it’s a lot of pain.

And the blood.

Oh …. The blood.

How bad is it?

With no one to tend to my wound it’s up to me.

Bandages.

Do we have proper bandages?

Medication.

Something for the pain.

Ibuprophine?

No. 

This requires something stronger.

I think of anyone I might know to buy something off the street.

Certainly nothing over the counter can handle this level of pain.

Morephine?

…… Fireball ?

Okay.

Deep breath.

Jim, you have to look.

I have to look at my wound.

I need to see that carnage that just might be my end.

I need to see it for myself.

I need to see how deep and how bad my wound is.

I cringe as I slowly look down.

Oh……

Never mind.

It’s good.

And T H A T is the story of my papercut.

• Ramblings