Things I Never Expected to Say as a Girl Dad

Before I had daughters, I assumed fatherhood would involve saying things like:

“Don’t touch that.”

“Get down from there.”

“Who broke this?”

Normal dad phrases.

What I did not expect was the number of sentences that would come out of my mouth that make absolutely no sense in the outside world.

For example:

“Did you burn your neck on the curling iron again?”

Ten years ago, I did not know what a curling iron was.

Now I apparently manage curling iron safety protocols.

Then there’s this one:

“Don’t peel the gel nail off — you’ll take the real nail with it.”

This is something I learned against my will.  

Because when someone does peel one off, everyone reacts like a small construction accident just occurred.

Next up:

“Why is there hair everywhere?”

On the floor.

In the sink.

On the counter.

Wrapped around objects that should not have hair wrapped around them.

At one point I found hair tangled in the vacuum cleaner so thoroughly it looked like the machine had grown its own mustache.

Then there’s a sentence I never imagined saying in my entire life:

“Your hairbrush is stuck in your hair again?”

Apparently a round brush plus long hair plus a hair dryer creates a mechanical situation that engineers have not yet solved.

Sometimes the solution involves patience.

Sometimes the solution involves scissors.

Neither option is comforting.

Then there are the emergency announcements.

“Don’t move — your earring is caught in your sweater.”

This immediately freezes everyone in the room like we’re diffusing a bomb.

Because if someone turns their head too fast…

Now the situation has escalated.

And finally there is the one phrase that truly defines being a girl dad.

The sentence that comes out of your mouth without even thinking:

“Do you need a Band-Aid… or a mirror?”

Because apparently those two items solve about 90% of the problems in a house with daughters.

So yes…

Being a girl dad means learning a whole new language.

A language involving:

Hair ties

Curling irons

Broken nails

Mascara incidents

And emergency earring extractions.

And the strangest part is…

After a while…

You say these things so casually that you forget they’re weird.

Until a friend hears you say:

“Hold still — I think your eyelash glue is stuck to your eyebrow.”

And they just stare at you like…

“What exactly is going on in your house?”

Dude – I honestly have no idea.

But if you figure it out – please let me know.

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