There’s a New Sheriff in town.  And his name is ________.  Um, not quite sure yet.  But it’ll be something.

We all know the story of Spiderman.  Peter Parker was just minding his own business when an Itsy-Bitsy Spider came down the water spout and then “OUCH” – took a bite out of poor unsuspecting Peter.  Some people say he was on a class field trip.  That’s what they want you to believe.  Regardless of the circumstances, Peter was bitten by a spider and the rest is Super Hero History.

Me, I don’t think Pete was on a class field trip.  I have a different thought.  I think that Pete was working on a job site, maybe he was clearing out some pieces of plywood.  And when he moved that plywood, he wasn’t paying attention and a spider saw him.  And being how the spider hadn’t been able to catch any tasty bugs that day, he decided to take a little bite out of Petey, maybe with a drink and a dried worm, it would have been a “Petey Happy Meal”.

Okay – perhaps I went a bit overboard with the whole dried worm thing.  But still, we don’t know the exact circumstances of the biting.  All we know is that Peter Parker was minding his own business and next thing you know he was “Spider Man”.

….. so there I was.  Minding my own business, doing work.  I had some stuff to take from one house in Bridgeville, DE to another house down the street in Bridgeville.  Being I had a load of pretty heavy things, I wanted to back in so I could get closer to the door.  I backed into the driveway but had to stop because there were a few pieces of plywood and subfloor that was at the end of the driveway.  So I got out and moved the plywood.  I picked up the one end so I could stand it up (it was a pretty big sheet).  I stood it up and looked down and there was nothing there to step on/into, I’m always weary of nails on job sites, so I moved a bit to position myself so I could pick it up. 

And that’s when I felt it. 

What was that?  It felt like a little pebble had hit my shoe.  I looked at the board where I had positioned my hands to see if anything was hanging down, didn’t want anything else to fall.  So I looked down and OH MY GOD!!!!

This snake the size of a python had opened it mouth and tried to swallow my entire leg.

               *Side Note 1 – okay, so it was a tiny little snake and it was biting the toe area of my work boot – perhaps I embellished a bit on the swallowing my whole leg thing.

But, being the tough grown-ass man that I am, I simply shrugged my shoulders and lightly shoo’ed it way.

Or, that’s what I will tell others many years from now when all secrets are revealed.

Truth be told – OH MY GOD – I am sure I shrieked like a little girl and violently kicked my leg, and the snake (I’ll call him Luther) let go of his grip and flew into the air, hitting the piece of plywood that I was holding.

               *Side Note 2 – he was a tiny snake and probably didn’t have any teeth, so how good could his grip have really been.

My phone was in my pocket so I was able to get a pic of Luther, careful to keep a semi-safe distance as I half expected him to spring at me and bite me in the face.

So there we were.  It was a standoff.  Me and Luther.  There’s only room in this driveway for one of us.  I got the pic of him but when I went back to look for “shovels or rakes or other implements of destruction”

               *Side Note 3 – if you know what that’s from – give yourself +1 point

But Luther was to fast.  He slithered away.  Perhaps he was intimidated.  I mean seriously, I am a grown ass man.  Maybe my girlish shrieking was just to throw him off his game.

OR – and anything is plausible – maybe he was an alien snake and came through a space and time portal through another dimension.  Maybe he slithered his way through the vortex to visit this mysterious planet.

What if……

What if, like Peter Parker, I have received this special snake venom.  Maybe….. just maybe….. I’ll awake tomorrow with special powers.  Or, if not tomorrow, maybe the next day.  Or, the weekend is coming, maybe the days after that.  Who knows how long it might take these powers to manifest.  It’s all a mystery.  It’s all unknown.  There is no specific timeline established.  I’m a patient man.

Then I wonder.  What might these special powers be?  What gift have I been given?  What will I do with these new powers? 

And – most importantly – will I use my powers for good or for evil.  You all remember Megamind right?  This Megamind guy gave a regular human special powers, and he chose to use them for evil. 

If I were to choose, of course I choose to use my special powers for good.  Of course.  So let’s all assume that I’ll be a good Super Hero using my Super-Powers for good to triumph over evil.

Maybe I’ll be stealthy, you know, able to contort my body to get in and out of tight places.  Um….. look, that would be cool and all, and I used to be somewhat flexible and somewhat of an athlete, but um…. I almost threw my back out the other day putting on a pair of socks, so this whole new-found flexibility thing… not so sure about that.  I don’t bend the way I used to.  I know these Super-Powers might be new and all, but let’s face it – I have to work with what I have.

Maybe I’ll be able to shed my skin and grow to an enormous size.  Okay – I need to think this one out.  Can you imagine my wife rolling over one morning and there it is, the Jim-skin that I peeled out of.  Okay – that’s a hard pass.

Maybe I’ll be able to strike at amazing speed, blinding speed.  Okay – I could be on board with that.

Maybe I’ll have super strength and be able to capture, hold and squeeze the bad guys into submission.

Maybe I’ll have a heightened sense of smell.  Um….. of what use is that?  I mean really. 

Who knows what my skills will be?  I didn’t write the book on this thing.  I didn’t choose to be the chosen one.  I am but a vessel.  Was I sought out?  Did the vortex open and they spotted me and said – “YES – THAT GUY !!!”  Or was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time – or the right place at the right time?

I’ve covered whether or not I’ll be using my powers for good or evil.  I’ve tried to predict my special new skills.  

BUT – if I am to be a new super hero, I need a new Super-Hero name:

               Snake Boy – um, no

               Snake Man – no, too used.  I don’t just want to put “Man” at the end like all those posers

               Sir Serpent – eh…. Not the best not the worst

               Reptilia – ok…. That has potential

               Slither –  You know, “I am Slither” it’s got a deep dark sound, but I’m not sold

               Mr. Crawley – no, that would look odd on a t-shirt

               Scaley McScalerson – HARD pass

               Hiss Man – Nope

               King Snake – okay – that’s in the running

This could be a hard one.  See, it needs to be catchy.  It needs to strike fear in the bad guys I’ll apprehend but not too scary that kids won’t want to be me on Halloween.

               *Side Note 4 – Hey, it could catch on.

But what ever happens, know that I (Insert Super Hero Name Here) will not forget you that have supported me.  Fame will not go to my head.

BUT – AND HEED THIS – I will take no mercy on the fiendish acts that are going on around here.

You try to go through the Express Lane with way more than 12 items – I’ll be there.

You try to throw a cigarette butt out the window at a stop light – I’ll be there.

You just try to butt in a line – KNOW that I’ll be there.

You never know where or when I’ll strike.  OOOHHHH!!!!  Maybe my Super Hero name will be Striker.  You know – The Striker.

But someone might misspell it and call me “The Streaker”.

I hate when that happens.

• That Guy