Not only am I often “That Guy”, but all too often I am “That Guy” in front of friends, family and often total strangers.
And our infamous cottage has often been the scene of many of my most memorable moments. Such was the case one night in early to mid August in 2004 (I think).
It was a typical weekend in Ocean City with friends at the cottage in Ocean City. Friday night was our poker game where we played cards well into Saturday morning. Saturday was a lovely day and we had spent the day at the beach. Dinner was over. And I’m not sure if I had THAT Chinese or not. When I say “THAT Chinese” I’m assuming you read my post “Pick a Number……”, but dinner now over, it was time to entertain the kids with our pyrotechnics display – that’s fireworks you know….
We spent the big bucks and bought actual fireworks that went in the sky and exploded, not just the roman candles that stayed on the ground and shot sparks maybe 5-10 feet in the air. Nope, we had the good stuff.
Problem is, none of us were/are smokers, so no one had a lighter. Sure, there’s a 7-11 and a WaWa across the street, but why go across the street when you’ve got a junk drawer that’s sure to have something to start a fire in it.
*Side Note 1- other things EVERY junk drawer will have: flashlights that don’t work, Take-Out Menus, batteries, misc. keys, dried out Sharpies, matches and misc business cards.
Of course we found a lighter. It was one of those that was made of clear plastic, I think it was blue, and we could tell it had very little butane in it.
I forget how many fireworks we had, I think we had 7. And they were great. Well, the first 6 were……
The first one kind of fell over and went very low screaming into the surf. It was loud and fast and had us howling in laughter. But I do recall a couple that was walking on the beach didn’t think it was very funny and they did voice their displeasure. I guess it would be bad and a bit scary to have a live firework coming right at you.
As we got deeper into our arsenal, the lighter took longer and longer to produce a flame. Plus, being the beach, it was a bit breeze and it seemed when we did get a solid flame, the wind blew it out before we could get the fuse to catch. But with a few shakes and lot of *click*click*click* we got them to light.
We were quite pleased with our display. The fireworks were worth what my friend had paid and went up high into the night sky. We had saved the big one for last
Now, let me set the scene……. It’s me and my friend Jerry setting off these fireworks on the beach while the crowd of our well wishers were up on the dunes watching and cheering, and yes, laughing, as it was quite a spectacle seeing us amateurs at work.
As we set up “The Big One” we had given our crowd fair warning that this was “The Big One”…… “So be ready!!!”
The lighter however had different plans and was not interested in our fun. It was done. As my soon to be wife Lisa later told me, they were kind of getting tired standing up there. And being windy and dark, the temp had dropped and they wanted to go inside, but didn’t want to miss the grand finale either.
*click*click*click* it continued. We’d shake it and on every 3rd or 4th try we’d get a flame, try to light the fuse, only to be blown out by the wind.
Unsure of how to block the wind, I look around and I see a broken boogie-board in a trash can on the beach. I take the boogie-board and break it a bit more until it’s shaped like an “L”, which we put around “The Big One” to block the wind. It seemed to work a bit as when we did get a flame it lasted a bit longer, but still didn’t catch the fuse before it went out either to wind or lack of butane.
It was getting tense. The crowd on the dunes, our loyal fans and champions of our efforts were beginning to cast doubt. I’m not sure, but I might have even heard a “BOO” from one of them. We tried our best to assure them, “We’re close, it’s getting close.”
As we are certain it’s gonna happen, Jerry says to me, “Jim, when we get it lit, don’t knock it over.”
Um…… duh……. As if……
*click*click*click* it kept on…. *click*click* cli…… then all of a sudden PPSSSSSSSSSSSS it caught the fuse in an instant and scared us both half to death.
From where we were standing, Jerry ran towards the friends and families gathered on the dunes, but I was facing the other direction, in that split second, I decided to run up the beach and then I’d turn and gaze at the wonder that was certain to light up the evening sky.
But it was not meant to be., remember how I was told, “Jim, when we get it lit, don’t knock it over.”
Well……..
So Wha Wha Happened was ……. The fuse caught after all these *click*click*click*s and struck both of us by complete surprise. I took off running down the beach …… but…… when I turned to run, my feet shifted the sand, knocking the boogie-board over and into the now lit firework. So technically I didn’t knock over the firework, the boogie-board did, 100% caused by the shifting sand.
Then, well, all hell broke loose.
Now, I’m not one to brag, but I used to be quite fast. QUITE FAST. I could haul ass. Maybe it was adrenaline or maybe it was excitement but I may have run the fastest I have ever run, (IN DEEP SAND MIND YOU) trying to get away from this Firey death missile. Okay – it was all fear that lit the fire underneath my feet carrying me down that beach in record speed. But I was still not fast enough. The first screaming fire projectile seemed like it went right in between my right ear and shoulder. Uh oh……..
At night I can still hear the whizzing as it goes by.
Next thing I know, I was bombarded by fireballs of all different colors. OH MY GOD!!! There was nothing I could do. So, still going at full speed, I launched myself into the air, landing in a belly flop on the beach and as I leaped to my certain and eminent death I screamed, “INCOMING!!!!”.
I kid you not, it was like a scene from Saving Private Ryan. There I am laying face first in the sand, kicking and throwing dirt on top of me to stop the certain burning that was going to decend upon me while the fire works rained down upon me.
Now, I want to say I could hear the screams of horror and terror and panic from my friends and family on the dunes. And it’s quite possible that there were screams of horror and terror and panic from my friends and family on the dunes.
Unfortunately those screams and yells worrying about my safety and well-being were drowned out by the howling and laughter from my friends and family watching safely from the dunes.
It’s funny the things we did as youths, before every one had cell phones and cameras to capture our most thrilling moments. But there are no pictures or videos of this event. Just the memories and stories I still hear when we gather with those that were witness. Yes, Uncle Hot Chocolate I’m talking about you.
Later that night, I had caught my breath and I was sitting around the table, friends still chuckling at what had happened. I even noticed a few had to change their clothes as they laughed so hard a little pee-pee might have come out. I felt something in my pocket and reached inside and oops….. I still has a pack of unlit firecrackers in my pants pocket. Can you imagine if I had caught a flare in my pants vicinity?
All’s well that ends well. I lived on and decided not to pursue a career in the field of Pryotechnics. I leave that for the professionals
My Take on Life and Events 