Have you ever had to go to the bathroom really bad? No, I’m not talking about just needing to go really bad—I’m talking an epic dilemma and REALLY needing to go.  We all have, I’m sure. 

But, I ask you this.  Have you ever had to go so bad that you needed to take immediate evasive action?  Something out of the ordinary.  I have.

I’m not talking about that time that I had to go so bad I went in the woods.  Child’s play – we’ve all done that.  We’ve also all gone behind a building, and many us of have even gone in an old WaWa cup.  But I think I can 1-up most people.  Have you ever had to go to the bathroom so bad that you bought a boat? 

Yes, yes I have.

I think it was 2008 and my wife Lisa and I headed out to Oak Orchard, Delaware to look at a pontoon boat that we both know we wanted.  We had seen pics and even though it was a stretch, we just couldn’t let it pass.  The asking price was $3,800 and so we went with $3,800.  BUT—my wife Lisa is a deal maker, so we had $3,500 in an envelope, $200 in a pocket and $100 in my wallet. 

Oak Orchard, DE is a very small residential area off of Route 24 that sits on one of the tributaries of the Indian River Bay.  It’s most likely built up since 2008, but at the time there was one restaurant that wasn’t open at 9:00am during the week.  At the intersection of Oak Orchard Road and Rt 24 sat a Royal Farms, maybe 8 or 9 miles from the dock where we were going to look at this boat. 

*Sidenote 1 – That’s a very important landmark for this story

We get to the small private dock and the boat certainly was exactly as described.  While looking at this boat that easily could have been $5,000 or $6,000 my wife was pointing out all the very minor things “wrong” with the boat.  There was a cushion with a small tear, the radio had a small scratch on the screen, one of the doors didn’t latch perfectly.  She was trying to get him to come down in price to what we planned on offering, $3,400 or $3,500.  The seller had told us he just recently got a new boat and he had to get this boat off of his insurance in the next day or two to keep his premiums from going through the roof.  So he’s letting it go far below value to simply unload it fast.

Speaking with the seller the day before, we had discussed the prospect of paying today when we saw it, getting the keys and title, and coming back the next morning to drive it off.  As we discussed things with the owner, I had a “wave” kind of sweep over me.  I said, “we’ll take it”.  “Yes, $3,800—we’ll take it.” 

Lisa shot me a look, and said, “Well, I’m not sure about” – NOPE – I had to cut her off, “We’ll take it – Lisa, pay the guy”.

 Again, Lisa objected, “But I’m not sure I like the” – NOPE – cut her off again, “LISA – THE BOAT IS FINE.  $3800, we’ll take it”.  I got the envelope from Lisa with the $3,500, got the $300 from my pocket and wallet, said to the seller, “$3,800 cash, right?”

“Yup, here’s the title, already filled out my end.”

So we pay the man, get the keys and title, shake hands and head to our car.

We get in the car, me in the passenger side and Lisa turns to me “Are you f’ing crazy? What the hell is wrong with you?” – I turn to her and say “Lisa, I have to poop”.  Now we are not talking your normal, ‘I have to go’ kind of thing.  Oh no.  It had escalated way beyond the normal elasticity of bowel containment.  This was serious.  I was, and still am, a grown ass man, but I kid you not—I was about to do something most unpleasant. 

So off we go—me expressing myself to Lisa just how dire the situation was.  We get out of the dock area and onto the main road where there was a Royal Farm convenience store about 8-9 miles away.  Lisa, God Bless her, did understand my situation.  She had her foot on the right pedal and I sat there in the passenger seat concentrating on my breathing and shutting my eyes an not letting the waves take over.  I think I was doing the lemans breathing trying desperately NOT to birth a baby.

As we approached the intersection with the RoFo, of course, on the other side of the intersection, the light was green.  I’m not sure if I prayed out loud or to myself, “please please PPPLLLEEEEEAAASEEEEEEE let the light stay green”.  But no, the traffic light Gods were not in my favor and way past safe to gun it, it turned yellow and then red.  Ugh……

I do not fault Lisa,  she got there as quick as possible and she had no choice but to stop, it had turned yellow and then red while we were still a few yards shy of the white line.

So I sat there, teeth and every orifice clentched tight and breathed, and sighed, and breathed and concentrated.  There we no cars turning left coming towards us, so we were able to cross the intersection and the Nirvana of relief awaited me.  I opened the door before she came to a complete stop and did the fast walk into the RoFo.  I would have run, but this would have made my stride to long and that might have made my situation worse.  I rounded the corner to the restrooms and ARE YOU KIDDING ME !!!!  The men’s room was being cleaned.  I didn’t hesitate and I didn’t slow my cadence one bit – right into the ladies room I went.  It was no time for political correctness of labels of genders.

Do you know that feeling of absolute relief?

So, crises averted, and we bought a boat.

            *sidenote 2 – odds are we were going to buy it anyway.

But this brings another question?  One that has become quite the debate in our household:

If you are in THAT situation, would you rather be the person driving, or be the passenger?  Me, I kind of need to be the passenger.  I need to breath and close my eyes and concentrate on keeping every know sphincter closed and closed tight.  But Lisa contends she needs to be the driver, she needs to be in control of the situation, because the other person might not have that sense of urgency.  It is also a given that if the passenger, the driver does understand the sense of urgency and will drive accordingly.

So that’s the story about the time we bought a boat because I had to poop. 

• That Guy