Making breakfast this morning: French toast, sausage, scrapple and eggs.  I had a strange thought – what if I were a vegan, what would I eat.  Sure, there are melons and assorted fruits, oatmeal, maybe pancakes if I don’t have to use eggs and/or milk.

               *sidenote* I have had gluten free pancake(ish) mix and it tasted (to me) like mixed and tightly packed sawdust.

I don’t need meat or animal by-products in every meal, but I do enjoy my carnivore side.  I do eat a salad on occasion and I like grilling vegetables on the grill.

               *sidenote 2* turnips on the grill – YOU HAVE TO TRY – peel then slice maybe 3/8 thick, brush with olive oil and your favorite seasoning and put on the hot grill

I do like oatmeal and I do like grits.  But I need my breakfast meats.  Scrapple (RAPA 1^st – Kirby & Holloway 2^nd), ham, sausage, steak and oh yes…… bacon.  Now I know there are many different types of bacon.  Turkey bacon is okay.  But for my money, you have to have REAL bacon on a BLT.  Thinking about meat and vegetables and meat substitutes got me concocting a poem about being a Vegan.  I call it:  “I Can’t Be A Vegan”.

I Can’t Be A Vegan

I’d love to be a Vegan, ‘cept I really like meat,

And lots of others things Vegans aren’t supposed to eat;

There’s burgers and steaks and omelets and bacon,

And that pot roast in the crock pot on Sunday I’m makin’.

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I tried a Vegan pizza once, you know, where they make the dough from cauliflower,

It was okay, but I like my dough made from regular all purpose flour;

I like the onions and peppers, but a pizza has to have pepperoni’

Too many weird toppings and it just tastes, you know, phony.

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I also can’t be a Vegan, I like to grill chops and  steaks,

And as you may or may not know, I make awesome crab cakes;

Now, I could go without milk, but that would mean no cereal,

Would putting beer on my cornflakes make me Vegan material?

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Another reason I can’t be a Vegan, I like fish way too much,

Like shrimp and tuna and sushi and such;

And did you know to be a Vegan, you can’t put real butter on corn,

And that “impossible” meat burger must be made from a unicorn.

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Being a Vegan’s not for me, I’d miss out on so many things,

Like, a Vegan will never experience my regionally famous wings;

What would a Vegan serve when they’re hosting the big game?

Carrot sticks and kale chips, they just aren’t the same.
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Now, I do like to grill Veggies, like turnips, peppers and zucchinis,

But what good is grilling without burgers and weenies.

I tried to go Vegan, I really did, but I just couldn’t hack it,

Did you know you can’t eat the blue box because of the cheese in the packet?

• Poems