Gonna try to not be too political here.  Sorry about that if I do.  But it’s Pride Month – and yes, I acknowledge it, accept it and celebrate it.

I had to look up what “PRIDE” stands for.  Found out it’s: Professionalism, Respect, Integrity, Diversity and Excellence.  Okay – who wouldn’t want to celebrate that?

I had the great honor and great privilege to write and read a poem at a wedding a few years ago.  Two of my wife’s and my great friends got married and I was honored to have been asked.  They were a little unsure about asking me, not because they weren’t sure if I’d agree to write them a poem, they were just unsure on what route I would take.

In my circle of friends, I’m know for my poems.  I’ll write birthday poems for friends, I’ll write anniversary poems for friends, and I’ve even written poems for a friend who’s wife had breast-reduction surgery and also a poem for a friend who had surgery to have a third testicle removed – yes – you read that right, and that poem was titled, “Ode d’ Trey”.  My poems can be a little dirty and foul – yet I never – N E V E R – use foul language in any of my poems. 

I asked them, “Do you want a lovely poem for your wedding, or do you want the ‘full-on Jim’ poem”.  And oh yes, they wanted the full on Jim. 

Okay – what’s the big deal?  A poem to read at a wedding.  Okay….. but it was a wedding between 2 guys.  NO, I do not call it a “Gay Wedding”.  I call it a “wedding”.  I don’t call the wedding of a man and a woman a “Straight Wedding”.  That’s also called a wedding.

There is so much hate in the world these days.  So many boycotts of companies and so much protesting.  Bud Light is being protested because a transgender had a paid sponsorship with them.  And now people and boycotting and vandalizing Target store because OH MY GOD they have pride displays and are selling merchandise with rainbows on them.  OH MY GOD – THE CHILDREN!!!!

               *sidenote – if you are so upset that a store will sell a rainbow shirt, subjecting children to these colorful displays, but yet you do NOTHING about these same children now having to participate in “Active-Shooter” drills in their schools – you’ve lost any credibility.

If you’re a dude and you don’t like the idea of two dudes marrying – don’t marry a dude.  And if you are a lady and don’t approve of two ladies getting married – THEN DON’T MARRY A LADY!!!  See, it is that simple.

Me, I don’t like liver.  And I see it on many menus.  So I have 3 choices; 1) boycott the restaurant and/or write a strongly worded letter to protest, 2) never go to the restaurant or (and pay attention here) 3) don’t order that entrée on the menu.

If two guys or 2 ladies down the street are married, what difference does that matter to you or to your marriage?  I had no idea I knew as many people as I do  that are married to someone of their same sex.  I didn’t know I was so worldly.

Don’t like Pride-Month, then don’t go to any Pride events.  And if you happen upon some – there’s no need to be an ass.  There are many festivities and celebrations I don’t particularly like, so I don’t go.  Know why – because I’m not an ass.

But back to my poem.  I will replace the names to protect the friends.  I will refer to them as JR and Ned.

A Wedding Poem

We’re here to celebrate the marriage of JR and Ned, 

And a hearty HEAR-HEAR for Delaware for allowing two dudes to wed; 

      (Can I get a HEAR-HEAR) 

They are getting married for love, not just the tax break, 

Even though those Trump-Pence supporters don’t want them to have a wedding cake. 

 _____

For love, it surely is, a many splendid thing, 

Especially when they both have a ding-a-ling; 

Ned and JR are starting a journey that will be filled with joys and mis-haps, 

I’m just glad Ned’s not standing here in a pair of ass-less chaps; 

                      …………….. I told myself I wouldn’t cry……………. 

 _____

What a day we’re here to share, there’s so much love in the air, 

And these are 2 people in love, not only interested in each other’s dairy-aire; 

We’re excited for you both as you start your life together, 

And enjoy your wedding gifts, I’m sure there’s whips and chains and leather. 

 ______

When 2 people get engaged, they work out, one of them needs to fit in a dress, 

But who wears the pants and who wears the dress……. is anyone’s guess; 

This wedding starts their life together, time will put their love through the test, 

There’ll be no ladies on the honeymoon, just a big sausage fest; 

 ______

We’ve known Ned for many years, JR not quite as long, 

And N ed truly loves JR for him, not just for him having a schlong; 

BUT JR, be careful, Ned is old, he has a lot of wear and tear, 

And here’s a fun fact, Ned never-ever-ever wears underwear. 

        ….side note…. EEWWWWWW. 

 _____

Ned loves it here in Milton, a smaller town makes him feel more at ease, 

Then lookie at what he did, got himself a husband from overseas; 

But marriage isn’t all fun and games, it’s full of compromise with lots of give and take, 

… um….. not really interested in the nuances of who’s doing the taking and who’s doing the giving….. 

 _____

We joke with Ned that he had to go outside the country for a mail order bride, 

Yes, he truly loves JR for all he is, not just for his back-side; 

And JR loves Ned enough to move here from the Phillipines, 

And he loves Ned for all he is, not just the way he looks in jeans. 

 _____

My only concern is that Ned won’t keep up, JR is far younger than he, 

JR will still be sleeping, while Ned is up wandering around at all hours because he has to pee; 

But JR is in love and that’s why they are here getting married this autumn, 

And he loves Ned through it all, whether a top or a bottom. 

 _____

JR is happy in Milton, though I’m sure he misses home, 

When he gets homesick, Ned is a giver, and throws him a bone  

           wait for it, let it sink in…..   Okay, the lady in the back just now got it……. Sorry. 

So JR will marry Ned, make an honest man of him and get him off the street 

And Ned can stop looking on Tinder for big slabs of luncheon meat; 

 _____

So I celebrate today with my good friends JR and Ned, 

And this is my 5^th or 6th poem for Ned and he hasn’t told me to drop dead…… yet….. 

My wife Lisa (who by the way was dreading this poem) 

                   My wife Lisa and I could not wish for a better set of friends,

We are so very happy for you both and we hope the joy of this day never really ends. 

               * another sidenote* the wedding was between an American and someone who had moved here.  In order to fulfil the paperwork requirements, the married couple had to take proof to an immigration office in DC to prove it was a real wedding.  So, some where in DC, in some bureaucrats office, most likely buried in some file cabinet, is a copy ofthis poem, read at their wedding.

• Poems