*There will be some posts on here which were written years ago. I’ll be updating many of them to finally post. But these are not from my days of “Jim here” on my wife’s Facebook page.
Oh yeah….. I’m a ladies man. In fact, I am such the ladies man that I got 3 of them right now. I have my beautiful and adoring wife that loves me unconditionally (hey, it’s my article here – not hers), and I also got my 2 young ladies that think the sun rises and sets at just the mention of my name (again, my article and I can write what I want). So, think what you want…. I am the 21st Century’s Ladies Man.
My wife and I had Kate, our 1st, when I was still in my 30s. Sure, I was two weeks away from turning 40, but that’s not the point. I was still in my 30s, and it was wonderful. Well, it still “is” wonderful, but having a tiny infant daughter in the house was the most wonderful feeling a dad could ever have. And then lightning stuck and we had the lovely Charlotte (affectionately known as “Hurricane Charlotte”). Oh no – two of them. No problem – I got this. Pst, what’s the big deal……
Before long, our house was all girl’d up. Gone were my Sports Illustrated and miscellaneous Redskin’s items. For all over the house were princess items and pink dresses. Oh…… the dress-up we played and the tea parties we had……
To make life easier for you the reader, I’ll list most of my tidbits as Bullet Points – you’re welcome. In between, I’ll be offering my tips of how to survive with a house of ladies, and again, you’re welcome.
Bath Time was Kate’s (my first) and my time. Mom had had a long day and needed a bit of time in the quiet to relax. And as she got older, we not only played, but we practiced and learned our 123’s and our ABC’s. It was fun and she giggled and laughed as I got silly and played with her. One night after the bath, she was in her 2s and had just started potty training. We were upstairs about to get her pajamas on, when she threw herself back on the bed, legs high in the air and said, “Daddy, something hurts”. Panic immediately set in, “Lisa….. LISA come upstairs NOW!!!!!”. So, Lisa thinking something was horribly wrong, hurried up the stairs in an instant. As I heard her footsteps coming up, I raced out of the bedroom, leaving Kate still laying on the bed and hurried down the stairs, passing Lisa in the middle. “What’s the matter ?”, she asked as she hurried up the stairs. “Kate needs you”, was all I could muster as I hurried down the stairs. I raced down the stairs and locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and just sat there, in the quiet, alone…. perhaps murmering incomprehensively, not sure, it was kind of a blur. Most of that incident is blacked out.
It was then I realized, as much as I thought I knew about women, I know nothing about women. It was a long time until I recovered. But I can joke about it today….
Doubling Down I don’t know why everyone automatically assumed I wanted a boy as a 2nd child. Sure, a boy would be great. A boy to play sports with and to share all of my knowledge of sports. But I’m a realist and I understood that my house was all girl’d up and my oldest, then pushing 5, had loads of girls clothes that were up in the attic. So, when we had Charlotte, a girl, I was fine with the idea of 2 girls. Would I rather a son? – no. A son would be great, but I wouldn’t “rather” a boy over this little person that has developed into the free-spirited girl that we still fondly refer to as, “Hurricane Charlotte”.
So sure, I have 2 girls. You can keep your trucks and footballs, for I have barbies and tea parties. And here’s an idea, sorry – side note appearing – when manufacturing Barbie Dolls, why not have them with unremovable clothes. It’s the darndest thing I’ve ever seen, either one gets a Barbie and within 10 minutes, the clothes are off, never to be found again and all the accessories that make this Barbie different from that Barbie are gone. All that’s left is a plethora of naked Barbie dolls. Sure, now and then, we come across an outfit, or rather, part of an outfit. But where are all the clothes? Somewhere in this house there are 12-15 barbie outfits. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.
But when you have 1 girl, having a 2nd girl is easy. They’d play with each other and entertain each other and always be the best of friends …… sure……sure they will…… Doesn’t quite work out that way. Those parents with two kids, are you picking up what I’m laying down? Everything is times 2. The good times are twice as good and the hectic times are twice as hectic. The girl stuff is everywhere – it’s in their bedrooms, it’s in our bedroom, it’s in the living room, it’s in the kitchen, it’s in both bathrooms… I’m awash in pastels of pinks and yellows and ribbons and hair ties and hair bows and Lee-Press-On nails.
I’ve Got Girls, I’ve had Things Painted – It’s a thing – trust me. For info on this – see a different entire post about it. And the games began … I’m sure raising boys has it’s trials. And I’m sure raising girls and boys at the same time is mildly trying. But no, I’ve got girls.
The TV Battle – I remember mornings spent watching ESPN. I also remember evenings spent watching “Saving Private Ryan” or “Braveheart” or even nighttime sports. Ah, memories, like the corners of my mind…… Gone are baseball games in the early evenings, replaced by either Cup Cake Wars or my personal kryptonite, “Saved by the Dress” – yes, a show about wedding dresses. I’m not kidding you, I’m serious. You might think a ½ hour show about baking cupcakes is bad, uh uh, no way, no siree Bob, try an hour long show, yes, 60 minutes of an actual television program about buying a wedding dress. And does it stop there, you would think yes, but no, it does not stop there. There are shows about toddlers pageants, shows about bakers battling to see who makes the best cakes, shows about the adventures of little people, shows about families that have 6 – 8 kids and then, when it can’t get any worse, there’s SpongeBob Square Pants. (Okay – another Side Note, I think I’m at #3 – SpongeBob Square Pants is always on. I mean it. Maybe not the same channel all the time, but at any given time, when looking for something we can all watch, SpongeBob Square Pants is on. It’s not a channel that has a SpongeBob Square Pants marathon, but I swear to you – it’s always on). Now, being a dude, I can watch the same movie 6 to 37 times and enjoy it each time. Who hasn’t watched Heat (the one with Deniro and Pachino) or Saving Private Ryan multiple times. But come on, those are cinema classics. I couldn’t watch Frozen or Wreck it Ralph anymore. My DVR had a few movies I like, but they were lost amongst the Bee Movie, Toy Story along with Toy Story 2 and Toy Story 3, Frozen, The Little Mermaid, The Bee Movie (okay – that movie is kinda cool so I had to say it twice), Cinderella and other girlie-girl shows. Now, it’s not Disney princess movies or children’s movies. Nope. Now it’s episodes of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, CupCake Wars and so many different reality shows that I don’t even know the names of them.
*Another Sidenote. How many “Real Housewives” can there be? I mean, seriously? And how many different cities have these “Real Housewives”?
Sports or as I now refer to it Shorts. In my younger days, I could watch Spain battle Iwo Jima in table tennis if it was on TV. It didn’t matter the sport, I’d watch it. I went to football games: high school, college and pro. I went to baseball games. I’d be glued for up to 12 hours a day watching the NCAA tournament during rounds 1 and 2. I’d stop at the little league field if there is a game. See, to me, it’s not about the level of play as much as it is just about the game itself. I like to watch the competition. I want to see the thrill of victory and I want to experience the agony of defeat. But with girls – are you kidding me? It’s about the snack bar or it’s about the potty or it’s about wanting to play because they’re bored. Hey, here’s an idea, you know what’s not boring, watching a game? Ever tried that – trust me, it doesn’t work. So, while my live sporting event watching has dwindled down to few opportunities, even those rare moments are but brief gambits into the real live world of sports as I’m relegated to leaving at half time or missing entire blocks of live action.
Bathroom Battles (home) – you might think you know me by now. But, one thing you might not know is I am a thoughtful man. I care about others. And I am a gentleman, first and foremost. See, I think it’s important when using the bathroom to relieve one’s self in the #1 variety, that the lid be lifted. Then, after the task is complete, I also feel it proper to NOT lower the lid, and show (not, not show – but to “prove”)that, “Hey, I’m not a pig, I lift the lid when I pee”, lest there be any doubt. If I were to lower the lid afterwards, there might be a bit of doubt, “Jeez did he lift the lid when he pee’d?”. So, to cast all dispersions, I feel it proper and necessary to leave the lid in it’s upward position. Is this appreciated? NO. Am I rewarded with even the acknowledgement of, “Thank you for lifting the lid when you could have just as easily tried to aim inside the smaller area”? I think not. NO. Rather I am met with scorn, and yes, perhaps even anger as they blame me for the simple fact that they can’t look before sitting down to use the toilet to see if the seat is in the up or down position. I am expected to both lift and lower the seat, while they expect the seat to always be in the ready position. But no, I think not, I will take a stand for civility and basic hygiene and I will be the bigger man, for in this world of uncertainty, facing unknown trials and tribulations, I will rise above and shout – “NO”. …… I have spoken.
And on a side note, (side note #4), a man must be quick afoot when using the bathroom in a house full of girls. For at any given time, they might bust in the room, even though the door is closed. This presents a whole new set of questions that when little I was not prepared, or willing, to answer. Now, as they’ve gotten older, I am still neither willing, nor prepared to answer “those” questions.
Bathroom Battles (away) – you dads with sons have no idea the complications this presents to a dad with daughters. They themselves are not the problem. See, I have become quite skilled at taking them into a public men’s room. I’m not going to get political or anything, but guys get it. And I think a guy in a bathroom is both respectful and mindful of the fact that when a dad takes a little girl into the bathroom, it’s for one purpose and they are cool with it. They keep their backs turned and make neither fuss nor comment as I quickly duck into a stall and help her take care of business. So the girl(s) are not the problem. NO NO NO. The problem is what happens when I have to use the public facility. What do I do with the girl(s). I can’t use the stall with them present, or “those” questions might arise. I also can’t leave them outside, alone to wait for me. Have you seen 20/20? So a guy with daughters must plan ahead. He must anticipate the problems 20-30 minutes ahead. Prepare for the situation and make due plans. Even when you don’t have to make pee-pee’s on bam-bam’s, if the opportunity presents itself, take it. Look for someone you know and have them watch. Or, if the public room is close by, look for a mom with small children and stuff spread out, that way if abduction were a thought you might have to worry about, the time it would take for the mom to gather up her children and belongings make it logistically impossible. And, another point, washing hands after – sorry, no can do. I have a girl(s) and the idea is to get in and out. I’ve seen the process, perhaps even helped, and they are (most of the time) freshly bathed and clean, and besides we have wipes and hand wash in our stuff. And if I get a chance to go, and need to be expeditious in the process, I am also (most of the time) freshly showered, and any body parts I have to touch in the process are 999 times out of 1000 times cleaner that the bathroom sink of a public bathroom. And that’s why God created hand sanitizer. Now, on a normal public restroom visit yes, washing the hands is done. But here – we must move expeditiously, the stop watch is running.
Ladies Underwear – you might have fantasies of washing ladies under garments and think it’s like a small dose of heaven. Um, in a word, NO. When my girls are 6 and 11, their underpants have either flowers or pictures of princesses on them. Now, I understand they like to wear clothes with princess stuff, I get that. But underpants? And all too often, I put them in the wrong drawers and my 6 year old will have underpants falling out of her clothes because hey, they were the 11 year olds. And then, my 11 year old started wearing bras. Did they magically appear out of no-where, or did some magical undergarment fairy supply them as I slept? I have no idea. While I want to think I have my wife to thank, I don’t even want to ask. I don’t want to know. Some things are better left alone.
Getting Them Dressed – you know that look. I know that look. That look that the pre-K teacher gives you when you bring your daughters into school…. Tsk tsk…. That poor man, doesn’t he know stripes don’t go with polka dots? NO, frankly I didn’t know. Nor did I ever think I would need to know. There wasn’t a class, there wasn’t even a You Tube Video about color coordinating your 4 year old for school. Give me a break lady. And did you know there is a difference between tights and leggings? Oh yes, there is.
And the hair…… ugh… the hair….. braids, pony tails, buns, pig tails and did you know there are both high pony tails and low pony tails. I didn’t. But in a pinch, ,I could bust out a ponytail. And as far as combing the hair out, I only know 1 way to do it, my way, straight and then parted on the side and folded over.
Boys – okay – I got this one. I am not afraid of this one. Why, well…. It’s quite simple. Neither of my daughters is allowed to date until she’s 30. NO, not 30 – rather 37. Yes, I think 37 is an appropriate age to begin courting. Hey – these are my daughters and as long as they live in my house, they’ll play by my rules. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Less is Most definitely NOT more – whether it’s make-up or lipstick, these girls did not adhere to the “Less-is-more” philosophy. Oh no, Lotions were lathered up layer on layer, whether it’s merely hand sanitizer or some type of fragrant body cream. And Lipstick – oh my, the lipstick. Just the sheer volume….. see, one of the many things I love about my wife is her frugalness….. is that even a word? Hey, this is my article here, so yes, I believe it is. My wife can stretch a dollar and I am positive she can stretch a tube of lipstick for the better part of a decade. But the girls – um, that would be a resounding NO. For their philosophy might be, if you have it, and it’s new and it’s bright and colorful, use it all at once, and more importantly, don’t just limit it the small lip area, nnnnoooooo….. better to spread it around the entire area below the nose and above the chin. And the rouge and eye liner and mascara and any other form of body paint and accessories. Often, we wanted to tell them, “Ladies, if you be careful, and apply it conservatively, it will last a long time”. But then we catch ourselves and think, “are we crazy, the more you use now, the less you’ll have later”. Pile it on girls, pile it on!!!!
BUT – 1 more glaring difference between raising boys and raising girls is the Bathroom Shenanigans and Hi-Jinks – that’s where the brakes come to a screeching halt. While I don’t think there is be anything adherently wrong with it, I’m afraid it might either scar them for life, or perhaps worse, they might enjoy the game, thus making it impossible for them to marry a boy (after she begins dating him at age 37). Every guy knows what I’m talking about…. Why, just the other day, Saturday I believe it was, I had one of “those” bathroom moments…… I can vividly remember coming home when I had a guy roommate either in college or just after college and seeing a note on the door where my roommate would proudly be announcing, “JIM – I LEFT A SURPRISE FOR YOU IN THE BATHROOM”. And, I also recall being both horrified and curious at what monstrosity my roommate had left for me in the bathroom. Would I gag immediately upon entering the room at the stench left behind, or would I marvel at the sheer masterpiece that his bowels had created and left in the toilet. More often than not , it was the former, but on rare occasion, you just can’t help but marvel at the depths of his bowels. And, I am so thankful that I grew up in the age before cell phone cameras and YouTube videos, for I can only imagine the documents my fellow teammates and roommates would have left behind. But, being a dad of two lovely girls, of these two demure and petite feminine creatures, that I must rise up above the locker-room banter and be above all that. So, the other day, as I stared at the marvel I had created, at the masterpiece that had been percolating and building up for what might have been days, or perhaps weeks (I mean you really should have seen this), Instead of running through the house screaming at my greatness, I could do nothing, but tilt my head with amazement, and watch it disappear in it’s counter clockwise circular pattern and fade into but a memory.
It’s not all bad – as there is something that I got to do most nights. Not every night, but many. When my youngest was 5 to 7, very often, she’d start off sleeping with mommy while I was working at night or watching a football game or something. Then, when I went to bed, I’d have to move her to her bed. I did it with her then, just as I did with her older sister years earlier. When I’d pick them up to move them, I’d get the biggest most bestest hugs a daughter could ever give a dad, and it was the most wonderfullest thing ever. So, keep your boys, I’ll keep my girls.
So, here I am, a dude with no other dudes in the house. But that’s okay, in fact it’s wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m now accustomed to the ladies always around and always here. For I am now – The Ladies Man.
My Take on Life and Events 