It’s funny the things that go on in your life and then you look back and wonder to yourself, sometimes out loud, “Self, how did I get here?”

I was a typical boy going up.  I did boy things.  I had a G.I. Joe, I played outside from dawn to dusk, I watched cartoons on Saturday mornings, I played Army, I had dirt bomb fights, I played little league baseball, I played soccer, I ran cross country and track (both 4 years in high school an 4 years in college), I went out on dates, I drank beer .….. the list could go on and on.  But, I care about you, the reader, and I don’t want you to get bored ….. 

There are also many MANY things I didn’t do growing up.  Things that could have better prepared me for adulthood.  I never played tea party, I never did a makeup session, I never played nail salon, I never played (a lot) with play dough, I never watched Barbie on NetFlix (yes, – that’s an actual thing), I never played kitchen, I never played with actual barbies, I never played fashion show, I never played beauty salon ……  See, those were girlie things. 

Now, as a young boy, young man, adolescent or what ever terminology I could use, I wouldn’t consider myself a ‘manly man’, when I was young.  But I would consider myself a ‘boyly boy’.  I had a group of friends in the neighborhood growing up and we rode our bikes and had fun around the neighborhood.  We played every sport and every game.  And we even played every made up sport we could come up with; like baseball, but with a tennis ball and tennis racket. Ah….. good times….

I had a brother.  So it was myself (and as I’ve already established, a ‘boyly-boy’), my brother, my dad and also my mom.  So, it would be safe to assume, not too many girlie things in our house.  We had games, books, TVs and lots of miscellaneous sports equipment but nothing even remotely “girlie”.

But life will reach out and slap you across the face.  Hard too.  In 2006 the absolute joy of my life was born, Kathryn, we call her Kate.  Then, WHO KNEW, you can get a double joy in your life and in 2009 our 2^nd daughter, Charlotte, we call her Charlotte, was born.  Yup, 2 girls. Ugh…… what am I going to do with 2 girls.  I don’t know how these work. 

I know nothing about girls.  Now, women, when it comes to women, well….. okay….. I also know nothing about women.  So when it comes to girls, what I know about them is even far past nothing.  It’s the absolute abyss of nothing ……. But, with experience comes wisdom – HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now, I am not going to tell you that I know everything there is to know about girls, women and/or ladies.   Sorry, you’ll not find a lot of “wisdom” in this post (or any of my posts), but you might perhaps find a few funny or entertaining tales of a guy raising girls.

We were enjoying a nice summer morning.  The girls were 9 and 5 (I think) and it was going to be a hot summer day.  We had season passes to the local water park, Jungle Jim’s, and we planned on going there on this hot day.  So the girls were up at 7am on this bright and sunny Saturday morning.

               SIDE NOTE – seriously, ARE YOU KIDDING ME – you can’t get kids up on a school day but on a Saturday or Sunday when they can sleep in they are up at 6:30

We were just trying to pass the time before we needed to leave for a fun day at the water park.  It’s 7:30, everyone is awake, we’re watching TV in the living room (I’m sure it was Barbie on Netflix), and I’m kind of dozing off.  While I’m dozing off, I hear the giggling delight as these two innocent young girls decide to play nail salon.  I hear them come downstairs with their collection of glitter and nail polish and I hear the giggling and whispering and then, I feel it.  Okay.  They are putting nail polish on my fingernails and having an absolute delight in the scandalous act they are performing on their sleeping father.  So I pretend to be asleep so they can perform their crime.  It was okay – and honestly, I enjoyed the quiet and relaxation.

Okay – time to go.  I was awoken and told of the time and how it was time to go.  See, this waterpark gets quite crowded and you definitely want to get a table with an umbrella for shade, as we plan to be there for a few hours, and if you aren’t there when it opens, even though there are many of these tables with umbrellas, they will be gone and then you really struggle to find a place to be and put your stuff where there is shade.  So I, of course, make a big production about being awaken to the horror of seeing nail polish on my fingers.  “OH MY GOD!!!  What have you done?” I pretend to throw a fit, much to the laughter and delight of these 2 innocent two ladies who loudly and proudly declare their innocence, “It wasn’t us!!!” “We didn’t do that!!!”. So I make a big production out of the whole thing, stomping upstairs to get nail polish remover and cotton swabs and proceed to take off the lime green nail polish from my fingers, all the while pretending to be upset and telling them I will get to the bottom of this dastardly act and we’re going to install security cameras inside the house so I can find out who did this.  On and on it went…….

But, it was quickly removed and off we go to Jungle Jim’s for a fun filled day in the water park, me all the while admonishing these sweet criminals in the back seat.  We got to Jungle Jim’s a bit later than we liked, so the tables under the umbrellas were most likely all gone.  Lisa stayed home this day, so it was just myself and the girls, and they knew the drill.  When we get there and get our season pass holder wrist band, we spread out and fan the area to cover as much space as possible.  And there, in the main area of about 10 tables was one table with no one there.  It was on the edge, and it was in the sun, the umbrella not being much use; but it was only about 10:00 or so, and as the sun rose higher in the sky, the umbrella would be in it’s path and then there’d be shade, maybe an hour or so from then.

I was across a pool and Kate and Charlotte were on the other side, but I caught their attention and pointed to the table.  They picked up I was putting down and like a pack of hyenas circling a wounded deer, we converged on the table.  Success was ours.  We unloaded our wares, and I proceeded to slather the girls with the necessary PS 600 (it wasn’t 600, not sure what degree it was, but it was the liquid sweater type sunblock).

Ok.  Stuff stashed away in our bags.  Towels on the chairs so as to not be thought of as unused and thus, taken to another table that needed extra chairs.  Time to head to a slide.  I take off my shirt and make sure my wallet isn’t in my bathing suit pocket, I slip off my crocs and make sure Kate and Charlotte are with me.  I hear the laughter about the same time I look down.

You’ve got to me kidding me.

So…. Remember how I said earlier I had pretended to fall asleep?  And remember how I said I could feel them painting my fingernails?  And remember how I acted upset at the lime green nail polish on my fingers.  Well….. I guess I actually did fall asleep.  And I guess I’m a pretty heavy sleeper.  Because my toes were all a very bright shade of lime green.  Yup.  Lime green toe nails.  At a water park.  On my toes.  LIME GREEN TOENAILS.  Ugh……

Okay.  What to do.  Don’t panic.  I got the fingernail polish off, I can get this off too.  Of course, THEN I had nail polish remover and some cotton swabs.  And THEN the nail polish was at best, what, maybe 10 or 15 minutes old, so it hadn’t set yet.  Now, mind you, I’m a dude.  I have no idea how long it takes for nail polish to approach the “easy to remove” status.  But I’m trying not to panic.  And I can’t be mad at the sisters.  They got me.  They got me good.  I get my thought process going.  I’m resourceful.  I got this.

I tell them to go on without me, which they do, still kind of giggling.  I grab a few napkins, which we always have with us, and nope.  Not coming off.  I know *lightbulb*, I need to get the nail polish wet, that’ll make it easier to get off.  And I am at a waterpark.  From where I was, there were two different pool areas, the one on the right was about 2 feet deep, and on the left it was for little kids and was shallow, maybe a foot or so.  I opted for the slightly deeper pool and, after making sure the coast was clear and no one would be walking by and judge me for having green nail polish after Memorial Day (I have no idea when it’s proper to have green nail polish, but I’m sure it’s a thing) very quickly walked to the pool area to soak my feet and toes.

Now, there may be ladies reading this that already know this.  And there might be dudes reading this, and this might be news to them.  But, water does not cause nail polish to come off any easier once it’s been on for an hour +/-.  See, growing up in a house of boys, there are somethings that I did not know.

Waiting in line on the staircase for the slides, standing in the pool to beat the heat, walking from the table to the pools and then walking from the pools to the table….. these are all things taken for granted on a normal day in the water park.  But Now I had to strategize.  Eventually, OH HELL – who cares.  I’ve got daughters, I’ve had things painted. 

*now, I can’t take credit for that line, that was said by another mulit-girl dad who shall remain nameless, but if reading this, he knows who he is.

So I spent the day at the water park with the two lovely ladies.  Standing in line for the slides, watching them play in the various pools and enjoying the hot sunny summer day.

If you are reading this, perhaps you remember seeing a slightly younger version of me at Jungle Jim’s, but didn’t know it was me; you just saw the green toe nails.  And perhaps you giggled to yourself, or perhaps you even pointed out my lime green painted toenails to a friend.  That’s okay.  I don’t mind.  The girls had a good time that day.  Good for them.  They got me – proud of them.  And though I’m sure there were many stares and jokes at my expense, no one intentionally brought unwanted attention to me, and I’m sure many dads out there simply shook their heads, thinking to themselves, ‘phew, that could have easily been me.’  While at the same time thinking…… dude…..

So, please remember to be kind.  Should you see a dude, a dude that is obviously not trying to be “goth” and has painted toenails……  Please be kind.  Please don’t judge.  Please don’t assume that he actually wants to have painted toenails.  Please don’t assume that this guy painted his toenails himself.  And please understand that this guy is highly embarrassed to have painted toe nails.  But you are free to assume one thing – that guy has daughters.

• That Guy